I realize this is a topic that is written about a lot, and that millions of people around the world experience it every single day. It doesn’t make me very different.
That worries me.
As someone trying to make it out there in the world, it is absolutely crippling to find out how much of a nobody I really am. I’m not particularly talented, I don’t have a story to tell the world, and there doesn’t seem to be any indication that my absolutely boring and unproductive life will change anytime soon. This is a pretty grim outlook for someone who calls herself a hippie, but this is what stops me, on a daily basis, from actually creating content. My blessed, yet uneventful life. My encouraging but confusing luck. My fantastic, yet unspecial existence.
I’d like to think I have a lot of brilliant ideas that I would love to bring to life because real change is what I have always wanted. To work with like-minded people and to have the thrill of being part of something much bigger than me or any individual… But, somehow I never get past the first day of working on whatever project I work on. This means I have tons of unfinished projects lying around, and a billion plans I made with friends and acquaintances yet to be started.
But alas. It would seem all my enthusiasm and energy dies the moment I realize that these things require work, perseverance and a lot of responsibility. At that moment where I have to make a decision on wheher or not to act on my ideas, I always feel as though I don’t have what it takes, that my work will not be good enough, my resources will not be enough, and that my project is simply a waste of time… my mind always ends up convincing me that work done imperfectly is better not done at all. If the work and effort put into the project is simply going to be shrugged aside by those who see it, I’d rather not speak of it, I’d rather not work on it. I feel, sometimes, weighed down by the weight of the millions of marketing companies in the world who are able to find and address the audience that they want. I am annoyed by people who call themselves “influencers” and have a huge following of people just for having the right looks, the right talents or the right connections. I find it unfair that I am not able to reach that peak point, and that I simply have no content or even knowledge to pass on.
But I guess this is where my story starts. It is a fight against perfection and the unrealistic expectations I have for myself. I want real self-development. But I have no one to guide me. I don’t know where to start. I’m not even sure if I want to face my anxiety head on. These feelings are something I have always hidden, but right now it feels quite liberating to be able to put them down in simple words loud and clear:
I have ANXIETY, I have UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS, and I am almost ALWAYS AFRAID TO TAKE REAL ACTION. It is difficult for me to dive right into projects, and communication at times of difficulty doesn’t come easily to me.
But at this point in time, I am definitely open to working on myself. But sitting at a computer and typing away won’t help. So, instead, I read. I scoured the internet for anything that could possibly help me get out of this rut, this horrible prison, and help me embrace whatever comes my way with grace and love. After hours of reading material on glow-ups, and self-help articles and books, I have come to the conclusion that if I am to succeed in any endeavor regarding my own growth, I need to start working on self-discipline and perseverance.
So, other than the #NoStrawChallenge which I started half a year ago, I have begun two others.
- The Get-Fit-Glow Challenge
- The Decluttering Challenge
The first challenge is an attempt for me to get into the best and fittest version of myself. The second is to help me declutter and give away the things that bear me down, and start afresh in a simple, and minimalistic way.
It’s not easy to fight back, but it’s not impossible. I really want to succeed, and the obstacles that I face are, I believe necessary for my growth. I only wish my knowledge of this fact actually helped me face my fears a little easier. Haha. Maybe in another life. That’s okay.
So, here we go. Baby steps.